A Hollywood Soccer Movie

At LAT, John Horn bemoans the lack of a major Hollywood movie about...wait for it...soccer.
I did a double-take when I saw his title: Why is there no great Hollywood soccer movie?

Wait. Hold on. Horn not only wants a Hollywood soccer movie, he wants a great Hollywood soccer movie? That's setting the bar pretty high, isn't it? The game hardly seems appropriate for a feature movie, let alone one that aspires to greatness. Seems to me that if such a thing were doable we'd each have our faves. There might even be a great Hollywood soccer movie released every year or two. So, why isn't there?

Horn cites Joe Roth's theory:

Studio executives "think soccer is for some suburban mom with a 4-year-old," says Joe Roth, who ran Disney, Fox and Revolution Studios and is also the majority owner of the Seattle Sounders, a new (and so far incredibly popular) Major League Soccer team.

He believes Hollywood's anti-soccer bias is rooted in a fear (and ignorance) of what's foreign. "We're basically a xenophobic country and don't look at what's going on in the rest of the world as closely as we should," Roth says.

I don't think Hollywood has an 'anti-soccer' bias, I think it's an 'anti-boredom' bias. Have you ever watched a soccer game -- from beginning to end? Have you? Really...it's not a rhetorical question?

What could be a worse premise for a feature movie? What, exactly, would the game-action segments of a Hollywood soccer movie portray? Soccer lacks the innate drama of a baseball pitcher staring down the hitter while keeping an eye on the first-base runner's lead. There's no snap to the game as in (American) football, and the action totally lacks the second-to-second critical nature of basketball. Even hockey seems livelier -- and that's not high praise.

Soccer is nothing more than the extended and slowed down back and forth of tennis -- without the excitement and without a point being scored for a long, long time. Team 1 shepherds the ball down the field, then Team 2 intercepts the ball and kicks it from one player to the next until they reach the other end of the field, then Team 1 intercepts the ball and the 'action' moves the other way. Back and forth, back and forth. For hours. And to what end? Soccer games often have scores like 1-0, with a score of, say, 5-2 being considered a blowout.

Anybody that wasn't put to sleep by the previous paragraph would love a movie about soccer. You, sir or madam, represent exactly the fan-base the producers of such a movie would target.

So, let's talk about fan-base. How many people in this country have ever watched a soccer game at all (that didn't feature their own 6-year-old kid running back and forth barely aware of the rules of the game)? No. Wait a minute! You can't cite the ginormous World Cup audience as Horn does:

The television audience for all soccer matches in the last World Cup exceeded 26 billion, with nearly 12% of the globe's population watching the final game...

So, I submit that a soccer movie would be as boring as watching grass grow. Horn, however, persists:

Roth, who is consulting on a biographical film in early development based on the Brazilian soccer great Pelé, says that the sport is well-suited to filmmaking. "It's a hard sport to show on television, but a much easier sport to stage on film," he says.

Okay, maybe the ball's POV as it is being kicked from player to player would be interesting -- for a few seconds. Otherwise, I don't see Roth's point. Just how do you stage the sport for a movie to make it exciting? Maybe a voice-over of the player's thoughts would work. This excerpt from a spec script about the game illustrates the technique:

SCENE 692

EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY
PLAYER ONE DRIBBLES THE BALL. A PLAYER FROM THE OTHER TEAM APPROACHES:

PLAYER ONE  
(VO)

I just need to get past this guy and take my shot and win the championship and be a hero -- No!! The ball was just stolen from me, again, and now that guy from the other team is kicking it toward our end of the field. Our goalie is just standing there sneering at me! Boy, does he look mad!

(The script is making its way through the studios. Buzz is good. Keep your fingers crossed).

You know what the most exciting thing about futbol is? Fans who become increasingly wild until a riot ensues. Every World Cup has at least a couple: rabid crowds trampling each other, tearing down fencing to get onto the playing field, breaking through lines of police, and burning anything that will catch fire. But, who wants to see that?

So, if you avoid riots, what's left to shoot? Horn says:

Some remain skeptical, particularly because soccer is often subtle in its action and its play is defined by individual brilliance as well as intangible team chemistry.

Exactly. He hits the nail on the head. Just how exciting can it be when one player hints, with a flash of his eyes, that he is about to pass the ball to a teammate?

No, I maintain the sport is too boring to make into a Hollywood movie. I do, however, have a counter proposal: a movie about...wait for it...cricket!

Yes, that's right. British baseball. I think Americans would flock to see that. I mean, just look at the above still! What action! Don't you wonder what's happening? Well, you needn't fret. Here's a transcript from this play:

2nd over: Kolkata 13-1 (Gayle 10 Hodge 2)
KP opts for spin at the other end as well, tossing Roelof van der Merwe the ball for the second over. Gayle carts his second ball for four through square leg for four, and drills a fierce off-drive away from the sixth ball to bookend the over with boundaries. Please, please can somebody silence Irani? I'll pay good money.

3rd over: Kolkata 23-1 (Gayle 14 Hodge 3)
Pietersen, clearly amused by his success so far, stays on for another six balls. He almost blags another wicket too, Hodge slogging a catch just wide of Kallis at square leg. It's ballsy stuff this from Pietersen, and no mistake. He's obviously relishing bowling to Gayle. He's bowling so slowly that he's inviting the batsmen to try and loft him over the ropes at their leisure. Gayle isn't the kind of man to scorn such an invitation, and duly bunts four through mid-wicket with a vicious pull shot. The next ball is one of the ugliest I've seen delivered on a cricket pitch, and disappears down the leg side for wides.

(Okay, lest someone files suit, this is actually part of the transcript from a real match, but I imagine the excerpt captures the excitement level of all cricket games).

Sure! A Hollywood movie about cricket! After a short, oh, say, hour-and-a-half exposition explaining the rules of the game, the action would be searing. Riveting! Audiences would be transfixed. I can hear the comments as movie-goers exit the theater: 'Wow, what a cool movie! I love the part when that guy blags a wicket, slogging a catch just wide of that other guy's square leg'!

Such a project comes with a caveat, though: matches can take days, so any movie about cricket would best be presented on TV as a mini-series. A mini-series about cricket... That has to be worlds better than any movie about soccer. I'd watch. Wouldn't you? We'd be glued to the set: Monday 8-10pm, and Tuesday 8-10pm, and Wednesday 8-10pm, and Thursday 8-10pm, and Friday 8-10pm.

I'll get the popcorn going.