It's all you Helen (No Offense, Guys)

Joe Pesci and Helen Mirren in 'Love Ranch'. Look at that still. If you saw these people what would you think. Mirren's Grace Bontempo is statuesque yet relaxed. She beams both steely-eyed intellect and come-hither allure with confidence, is poised and elegant in a natural way, and wears a low-cut evening gown with aplomb. Undeniably attractive, she would make a woman half her age envious.

Charlie Bontempo, on the other hand, is a mook (thanks, of course, to Mr. Pesci's fine acting). 'My cigar went out. I can't go in with a cigar that ain't burning. Looks dumb. Where'd I put that lighter?' The kind of guy no woman of any class would want to be seen with (all due respect, Mr. Pesci).

So, just why are these two together? What's the attraction? Was there something about the lives of the people the actors are portraying, Joe and Sally Conforte, which would explain this? Probably not.

It's most likely the result you get by simply having the radiantly beautiful Helen Mirren next to you. Charlie looks like a buffoon in the company of Grace, as would any man (no offense to Mirren's husband, Taylor Hackford, who is often seen with her).

However, as it rolls out in limited release, 'Love Ranch' continues taking a beating from critics. Well, more precisely, it's the script by Mark Jacobson and the direction by Taylor Hackford which are taking the beating. (Sorry guys).

Scott Tobias steps in line with his review at NPR:

Mirren cuts the figure of a bodice-ripping paperback heroine, a withering desert flower who blooms in the arms of a swarthy prizefighter roughly half her age. Mirren embodies the fantasy beautifully — but Hackford's feature-length valentine to her all but sabotages the rest of the movie.

Roger Ebert goes with:

This perhaps has the makings of a tragedy, but the screenplay doesn't look more deeply than the level of soap opera, and good performances aren't translated into something more. Two stars

The beat goes on. Marshall Fine says:

It's painful to watch strong actors flailing and exerting themselves in service to a weak script. But that's what Love Ranch is: two hours of watching Oscar winners Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci huff and puff, trying to breathe life into this sad, sour enterprise.

and

Love Ranch is neither a nostalgic look back at a simpler time nor a modern take on emerging or changing sexual standards. Instead, it's just another tawdry soap opera...

What shall I do? How can I possibly enjoy this movie? I love Helen Mirren, as does everyone else, but the screenplay and direction for 'Love Ranch' sound dreadful. I want to see her performance but don't want to watch a badly written and directed (sorry) soap opera (sorry). I guess, when the time comes, I'll just watch Mirren's scenes and fast-forward through the rest of the movie.

(No harm, no foul -- right Mr. Pesci? And Mr. Jacobson? And Mr. Hackford?).