Wednesday, March 28, 2007

USPS: A New Hope

R2D2 mail box

By now you've all heard that the Post Office is using R2D2 mail boxes. But, wait! That's not all! Just when you thought mailing a letter couldn't be more fun the USPS announces the arrival of the new Star Wars stamp collection. Here's the Darth Vader stamp:

Nice. I like that expression. He seems to be telling us, 'Search your feelings! You want to lick the back of me and stick me to a letter. You know it to be true'. And, I do. What a perfect way to send a birthday card to a friend, or perhaps, Christmas tidings to a distant family member. It's so warm and a hard/shiny sort of way.

But, what's this? What's with that price? Forty-one cents! No freaking way. Yes, folks the ever clever USPS is using the beloved Star Wars imagery to divert our attention from the fact that the price of a stamp will now be $0.41. Okay, you think this is an outrage and I don't blame you one bit. 'I'm never using the Postal Service ever again', you say. 'I'm just gonna buy one or maybe two complete sets of Star Wars stamps on my way home from work tomorrow and that will be the last business I ever throw their way...ever', you're thinking.

Sure. That's justifiable, but wait until you see what the Postal Service is planning to spend all that extra money on. I have it on good authority that on April 1st the USPS will announce that their new space-based headquarters is open for business.

Death Star

Pictured above is the new Orbiting Postal Service Ops Center, or, as it's known to the boys down at HQ, OPSOC (this shot is from a few months ago when it was still under construction). When fully operational this space station will be able to coordinate mail delivery to the entire planet more efficiently than has ever before been imagined -- even by the most gung-ho mid-level executive.

But, wait! There's more! This orbiting high-tech behemoth is capable of monitoring the skies for killer asteroids. If a civilization-ending hunk of rock should come too close to our peace-loving planet OPSOC will utilize its main weapon (already fully-functional, it would seem), and blow the offending projectile into a million tiny bits -- thusly:

Death Star

Nice. But, wait! There's more. Not only will OPSOC be the new home for the United States Postmaster General and the new Global Defense Platform, it will be the new Main Postal Distribution Center from which will be launched the latest in mail delivery vehicles which the USPS has dubbed the 'Two-Pronged Ultra Fast Ship', or T-PUFS for short, seen here.

This ship will be able to deliver millions of First-Class letters to any destination on Earth within 3-5 business days. Don't believe such speeds are possible? Just look at this shot from an early test flight:

That is really fast. See what a price hike of 2 cents per stamp buys? Worth it, right? Sure it is. And how does all this express service begin? That's right. By simply dropping a letter in one of the above-mentioned R2 mail boxes. Couldn't be easier, right. Remember, watch for the official announcement April 1st!

Oh, and may the force be with you...and all that crap.

No comments:

Blog Archive