Thursday, March 08, 2012

'The Lone Ranger' Smells. So Does This Dead Crow on My Head.

I couldn't believe they actually went ahead with this. Does anyone care about the Lone Ranger? Okay, best of luck and all, but -- silly title, very dumb still:

Is that a dead crow on Johnny Depp's head? What kind of hat is that? Who wears a dead crow on their head? Never mind. I'm more interested in Depp's expression -- more on that in a minute. First, though...

What's Armie Hammer wearing? (That is Armie Hammer, right? I can't tell with that mask on. [Wouldn't you get sweaty with that on all day?]) Check the cut on that tailored suit. Very nice. Relaxed fit in the shoulders, high arm holes (not great for shooting bad guys at a full gallop, but whatev), understated peaked lapels (wouldn't a nice old-west notch be more appropriate for hunting down varmints and shifty-eyed rustlers?), and a casual fitting vest. Tightly wound neck-kerchief (I wouldn't go into a bar wearing that thing, but hey...that's me. I'm not the Lone fucking Ranger). And that sterling white hat. Wow! Crisp. Nice shirt, but if you're going to go that far shouldn't you don a tie? I guess that's nitpicking. An open collar is probably fine, before six. But, then, in that case, isn't it a bit of a gaffe to wear black?

Thing is -- looking at this picture -- you know what? You know what you'd smell like after a day or two on the trail wearing that getup? In the hot-ass summer sun out in the American Old-West desert (although the white hat would reflect a lot of that heat). You know how blazing it would be all day, no shade -- wearing dark colors? How much you'd sweat? I mean, it's 105 degrees and you're wearing a three-piece (navy blue or black) suit? Day after day? On the dusty trail where there's hardly enough water to drink let alone bathe? You'd reek. I mean, the wind shifts and poor Tonto gags. It would be gnarly. Hell, you'd smell bad if you were wearing a tee-shirt, but a fucking three-piece? You'd be soaked in pure funk. Layers of it. Complex, like a good wine. Fresh funk, yesterday's beans-n-bacon funk, good ole armpit funk. You'd stink like hell.

And, that leads me back to Depp's/Tonto's expression. What's that fucking smell? he's saying. There's no getting around it -- that look says, "You need a bath, man." Of course Mr. Ranger isn't savvy. Oh, no. He's pretending to scan the horizon for bad hombres (Look at him. He's totally avoiding eye contact with Tonto). Why is that? Why won't the Lone Ranger look at Tonto. Maybe that's why Tonto looks so pissed. Lone Ranger dissing him!!

Well, maybe it cuts both ways. Lone Ranger might be stinking up the trail but, shit, Tonto's got a dead ass bird on his head. What the fuck does dead crow smell like after a few days? And, how long had that crow been dead when Tonto's crazy ass found it and decided it made the perfect head wear? Fucking crow could have been dead for days, laying out there roasting in the sun, bugs and shit growing inside, stinking so bad not even coyotes would go near it. Maybe that's why Lone can't look at Tonto. Maybe he thinks his indigenous friend's brain has been cooked by the searing sun. Maybe LR figures the T-man is one tomahawk shy of a complete set. I could understand him feeling that way. I'd think that, too. If my trail mate had a dead fucking rattlesnake or possum on his head I'd be like, 'Fuck you man. I'm riding into town, get a beer. You stay out here with dead-ass shit on your head all you want.'

These guys have issues. Nobody wants to see a movie with guys that have issues.

Sorry, but this movie looks dumb as hell. I'm not seeing it, especially if it's shown with that new smell-o-vision that's rolling out. No way, man. Fuck that.


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